Ask the Sports Fan Coach: The first Q&A

Column: Advice for Bengals, Reds fans with anxiety and insight for youth sports refs

TO THE COACH’S BOX BLOG READERS: This is my weekly Sports Fan Coach column for the Cincinnati Enquirer and Cincinnati.com. Thanks to sports editor Jason Hoffman and the Enquirer for agreeing to share this here.

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Mike Bass
Enquirer contributor

Editor's note: This is the first of a weekly column from former sports reporter and editor Mike Bass. Bass will be contributing to The Enquirer by offering advice for sports fans, athletes and youth sports parents and coaches through a weekly Q&A. To ask a question of Bass for potential publication, email him at mikebass3838@gmail.com.

Let’s kick off the first of these weekly columns by going straight to your emails after my introductory article.

I liked your article on Cincinnati.com and look forward to reading your future ones. I'm guilty as charged! I have calmed down a lot since I'm now in my early 40s with two young children and a wife but have been an overly competitive sports player and fan in my younger days. Being a lifelong Bengals and Reds fan has taught me that sports can be extremely disappointing. Ha ha! Life goes on and there is always next year. I can't wait to see what questions and answers you get on this subject as self-reflection will be good for me. I have to set a good example for my kids!

David from Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear David,

Thank you for your kind words. Your honesty and self-awareness about your fandom are admirable. Your sense of humor through the lean seasons doesn’t hurt, either.

You said you had been an “overly competitive” player and fan, so you recognize you had crossed a “competitive” line. That’s big. It might be interesting to hear your definitions of “competitive” and “overly competitive.” Your descriptions can help pinpoint your line, what happens to you when you cross it, and what it would mean for you to stop crossing it. Same as for anyone.

Getting older and having a family have helped you build perspective. Again, very admirable. Clearly, being a good role model for your kids means a lot to you. What if you could use that value to keep you from losing control watching a game, whether your kids were there or not? What would help you remember your kids at those times?

The answers are different for everyone, and we can explore some tools to use in the coming weeks.

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Here is another from your emails:

As a sports official for over 40 years in several sports, one of the areas I see a great need is teaching parents about what their comments to the officials demonstrate — and that is a total lack of respect for authority.

We complain in today's society about youth not respecting police, teachers and other people of authority. When they hear their parents scream, curse and in general berate the officials, they learn that this is to be accepted.

I was officiating at a soccer match years ago and was being cursed by one of the parents. I stopped play and had that parent’s child come over, in front of the parents. I told him that by his father using that language to me, he (his father) had approved it for any of the child's authority figures, including his parents. Then l told the child that this was wrong no matter whether the parents or he would do it.

Never heard another curse word from those parents again, and I officiated in front them for four more years.

I look forward to reading your articles. Knowledge is good.

Rick from Cincinnati

Dear Rick,

Thank you for sharing your example. You let everyone involved know you found the behavior unacceptable and why. Agree or disagree, the parents stopped.

When my older son was about 9 and playing soccer, one mom on the sidelines spent all game berating an official only a few years older than the players. Finally, she kicked an out-of-bounds ball — hard — off the official’s shins, from a yard or two away. The poor kid looked up at her, shocked. The mom backed off after that.

I’m curious as to why: Did she realize kicking the ball off his shins was going too far? That even yelling at him was?

How would she have felt if she were the official’s mom?

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This interaction came from Twitter, after the Bengals beat the Tennessee Titans last Sunday:

Me (@SportsFanCoach1): “Bengals fans: What is the best part of having your faith in this team rewarded today?”

@Real_Peanuttom: “They won because I didn't watch a second of it on TV. I can't emotionally handle it when Bengals have a lead. They always blow a big lead when I watch them on TV.”

Me: “What about when the Bengals are tied or trailing?”

@Real_Peanuttom: “Good point. Basically, whenever I watch them on TV, they lose. It's all on me. I'm convinced. Instead today, I watched the Browns. They lost.”

Walking away from stress can be a perfectly sound solution. If that works for you, great. If you want to find a way to watch, we can explore a whole of possibilities.

If you connect your viewing habits to your team’s results, you are not alone. If you can joke about it, or are just joking about it, that can help ease the pain.

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Remember to email Bass at mikebass3838@gmail.com if you want to be included next week.